The senior Martian managers of a major engineering department reported to me that they just could not understand why the more junior women kept complaining that they felt excluded. One manager said,

"It drives me crazy. I tell everyone that I have an open door policy. If there is a problem just come in and we will talk. That should be enough!! What else do they want?"

The more I have worked with companies the more I have come to realize that the gender differences around what constitutes a proper or meaningful invitation is a significant issue in the workplace. The kind of frustration that Al voiced is relatively common because, men do not understand that the customs on Venus require more specific and personal invitations. Women on the other hand completely misinterpret Martian's more minimal invitational style as well (See the article Invite yourself).

Lets look at Al's invitation. Its message is: I am open to you coming in if you have a problem or a concern. Al is completely willing to meet with anyone. His door is truly open, but the onus for initiation is one the other person. So what is the complaint of the Venusians? Susan says, "Al has never invited me personally to talk about my concerns. I do not get the message that he is really interested in what I have to say. Now that we are talking about this I vaguely recall him saying something about an open door policy, but he said that once months ago. He has never checked in with me since".

I have heard these kinds of comments repeatedly. I was involved at a special meeting of company’s senior executives to begin to look why there were so few women in senior management. To have more women at the meeting, key women at the mid-management level were invited to the meeting that was to take place after lunch. The woman in charge of the meeting (who was very Martian) did not think to invite these women to the lunch before the meeting. When this was discovered several of the invited women felt totally slighted. Although this was an honest oversight in the context of actually including women, the net effect was for some of the women to feel excluded.

So, the lesson for the Martian manager who wants to increase rapport and motivation of Venusians by adjusting his communication to fit with Venusain customs is as follows:

1) Instead of a general invitation for anyone any time, make it a specific invitation to a specific person at a specific time. On Mars you might say to a bunch of guys, " I just got a new HDTV I am going to be watch the Eagles every Sunday, anyone that wants to come over can." This would be a perfectly reasonable invitation on Mars. A woman would never do it that way. A woman would ask each of her friends, " Susan, we haven't gotten together in a long while, I would love you to come over on next Saturday at 4pm. Would that be good with you?"

2) As part of the invitation specifically offer that you want to hear about accomplishments or difficulties, or personal goals. For instance, "Alexis, I would like to schedule a meeting with you to get your opinions about the new procedures that were implemented last month. I want to know how they are impacting you and your team." Or, "Maria, please come by my office this afternoon for a few minutes to just tell me how things are going for you. What time would be good for you between two and four?"

3) Remember that the entire point in the Venusian culture is for the inviter to show proactive interest, motivation and initiative rather than willingness to respond to the invitee's action (Note: in Al's invitation the invitation is based on the other person showing initiative.) Another way for men to get their heads around this difference is to think about how women give gifts. Usually, a great deal of effort is spent on the wrapping paper and the bow. It is important that the wrapping be neat. Martians generally, do not care that much about the paper. They figure that is going to go right in the trash. But on Venus, the extra effort is signals the recipient that the giver really cares. Martians will get much better responses when they wrap their invitations like Venusians wrap gifts.

Dr Schwarz is available for speaking engagements, workshops and personal coaching.

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