I had just finished giving a talk when Marsha, a sharply dressed woman in her late 30's, came up to me and asked," You really mean that for the last 2 years the only reason I rarely go out with the other male manager's is because I did not invite myself? It wasn't that they have an old boys club?"

One of the simplest, yet most elusive understandings that women need to learn regarding men at work is that they do not offer invitations. On Mars, men invite themselves to the party. Studies have shown that men are much more likely than women to spend energy on managing up (having lunch or coffee with the boss).

A Martian has no trouble simply inviting himself to the party. That is why he has a much greater tendency to manage up. On Venus inviting yourself over without a proper invitation would be considered rude and intrusive. Not on Mars. Think about your personal life. I'll bet that more than once your significant other has suggested just dropping in on someone and you have resisted the idea.

The other aspect to this situation is that since men assume that a person will initiate his own invitations they are much less likely to actually offer an invitation to someone. If they do offer an invitation it is usually very open ended and unspecific. For instance, a Martian will say, "We need to get together for lunch sometime". That's it. It's now up to you to call and say, "Let's go today". This type of behavior is almost unheard of on Venus. On Venus an invitation only counts if it is specific and personal. The invitation must be initiated and followed through on by the person inviting.

This is why Marsha wrongly concluded that the men did not like her that much. I had to ask Marsha a few questions. Two years ago she was promoted to a vice presidential position at a financial institution. Since that time she rarely ate lunch with four or five of the other men at her level. She had attributed this to the old boy's club phenomena. She had decided that she was just going to work harder until she was noticed and appreciated. As it turned out, her office was somewhat isolated at the other end of the building so she could not easily walk out of her door and just meet the other people. It was a 5-minute hike.

We discovered that she was rarely available around lunchtime when the men would simply look around and see who was available. I suggested that she either simply be around their offices at noon or call someone and invite herself. She agreed she would try this even though it was uncomfortable. Several weeks later she reported that, it was almost like magic. There was no resistance. The men had actually thought that she was not that interested in joining them!!

So the simple rule is: Do not wait for a "proper invitation" (It's not coming!). Simply invite yourself. This rule applies to most situations (although not all). It certainly applies to talking more with your direct manager. Schedule a meeting and talk about an idea you have to improve performance. If you want a promotion invite yourself to a meeting and say that you want to get a promotion, and ask what you need to do to make that happen.

Finally, do not get angry or resentful for the lack of an invitation. Its just not part of the Martian culture. (You can get them to read the article on the need to invite women more.) . If you want to play in the golf outing and no one has asked you, just find the person in charge of it and tell them in an assured manner that you would like to participate. More likely than not, there won't be a problem. If the director of marketing or research or IT is sitting at the lunch table and there is an empty seat, ask if you can join him or her. It does help to make the most out of this type of situation if you have something relevant to say. So if there is someone you want to meet, make sure that you know something about their latest projects. This way when that chair at lunch is open you can sit down and make a favorable impression.

Dr Schwarz is available for speaking engagements, workshops and personal coaching.

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